25th
One Year with The Wooer
I first met The Wooer exactly one year ago today. We’ve been pretty happy together.
This is a representative chronology of our relationship, as told by Twitter:
July - September 2009
The Wooer: “You have a LOT of underwear.”
Me: “Well, I’m a GIRL.”
The Wooer: “I know.
I checked.”
Me: “FINE I’ll make my own eggs… and try not to cry into them.”
The Wooer: “IF YOU DO DON’T SALT THEM.”
The Wooer: “And I left my tennis shoes at your place.
…
…
NOW HOW WILL I PLAY TENNIS.”
August 2009
“It’s a one-way street. You know you can park on the
left side too, right?”
“Yeah. I don’t bend that way.”
October 2009
The Wooer just dropped me off at a conference, told me to “network,” and to see if “one of the guys” would give me a ride back.
Returned to find The Wooer making vegetarian dinner in my apartment. Suspect he’ll want to play his variation of “hide the salami” later.
November 2009
If we break up, just know you’ll always be third-class. On Southwest. Because you won’t remember to check in for your own flights.
January 2010
The Wooer: [leans in] “Do me a favor. If I fall asleep before we take off, press this [GESTURE] button… so I can lie back while I sleep.”
Day 4, #sftu: “Oh, shit. I forgot to stop at the ATM back there. I need some cashish.”
“Shouldn’t you offer to lend me your coat?” “Did you want to borrow my coat?” “Not anymore.”
February 2010
“Look, I’m tired. I’M NOT AT MY WOOEST.”
March 2010
The Wooer on the NuvaRing®: “Sublet?! No no. *I* have a lease!”
The Wooer’s sleeping through the part where he takes me out for ice cream. Basically he’s calling me fat.
Me [lying on the floor]: “I dunno; guess I’m feeling a bit useless.”
Wooer [making dinner]: “Who else is gonna hold down the house, baby?!”
April 2010
The Wooer took me to a super-nice restaurant. Everything tastes like imminent BJ.
The Wooer smiles expectantly at me, wearing only a “Make Something People Want” t-shirt and an erection.
…
Iterate fast and release often.
“… You’re drinking beer before noon.”
The Wooer: “You ran out of water.”
May 2010
SMS to The Wooer: “EWWWWW! Just saw a centipede HELP HELP”
“OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP US BOTH”
Chivalric, The Wooer drove me to the ER at 7am. Later he admired the “easy access” hospital gowns & held my boob as I druggedly dozed off.
